fraternal frustration

Oh dearest of Voixlings, did you know that Voix has a set of Canadian Compatriots in free advice land? One of the Useless Men from the blog of the same name has sent yours truly a question! Before I even address said anxiety, I wish to grant a deep bow to my more northerly brothers in busy-body-ness. Their blog is simply divine. I could only hope to lend advice as delightfully fun, tongue-in-cheek, and useless as they do. I have blogrolled them at the Château so that I might tutelage myself at their hairy, stinky man feet.

So without further ado:

Dear Voix,

I have an advice column of my own, and I recently introduced a new contributor. However, after a few questions, I feel he isn't up to par with the answers he submits. How can I gently let him know he's fired? Did I mention he is my brother?

Sincerely,
One Useless Man

Dear One Useless Man,

It is very kind of you to ask. Voix is just fanning herself with joy and pride that you've sent a question her way. It takes a lot to make me blush, you know. Good on you!

So while you acknowledge that your brother is useless like you, you gave him a job anyway? Good thing you live in Canada and not in France, or you'd be totally up a creek without a paddle. They get really testy about people getting fired over there.

I'm glad that you want to fire your brother gently. He looks like the sensitive type with those braids, you know? And you wouldn't want to spoil Christmas. Here are a few possibilities to get the Useless Brother off your blog.

1. "Accidentally" delete his account access to your blog and his previous posts. Blame the disappearance on the internet gods of good taste. Then, take him to a bar, get him drunk,and act as though you can't get the blog to give him access again. Get him to confess over deep fried potato skins and shots of Root Beer Schnapps that he didn't like blogging anyway.
   
2. Send him a question that is very serious and depressing, like something from Dear Abby about a dog with cancer and a four year old who won't come out from under his bed. When he tries to write a funny answer, act very disappointed in him for not being more sensitive to your readers' needs, so he's fired.
3. Tell him you're going to start a new blog called, "The Blog of Brothers" and you'd rather have him direct his energies towards that project instead. Allow him to post photos of pretty girls with red hair and big boobs.
4. Have one of those tiki torch meetings in your nearest neighborhood park and vote him off the blog.
5. Send him here and let me tell him:
   
6. "Useless Brother? You look totally hot with those braids. You're fired because we said so. It's not you, it's us. Please don't take this personally, but we don't want you to write for the Useless Blog anymore. We love you, darling, and will find pretty girls who smell good to cover your face with kisses as soon as we know there's no hard feelings."

Good luck, One Useless Man. Hope he doesn't put sugar in your gas tank or anything. But you guys are Canadians, and therefore probably much less prone to violence than your more southerly brethren. Go Canada!

*mwah*

--Voix